Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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