I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
