i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
