dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
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He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
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PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.