She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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