Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
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When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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