I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
