I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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