is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
