I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
