I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
