Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
