Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
