Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
