A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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