u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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