Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
