i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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