My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
