If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
