I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
