guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
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It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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