well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
