Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
