Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
