I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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