You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
There was a lot of him and a little penis
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Randomize
