Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
