So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
