Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
