I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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