oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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