There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
