I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
