i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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