I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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