3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
