i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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