We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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