i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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