Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
