my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
