I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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