Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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