Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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