You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
