I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS