So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME