i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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