Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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