I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Drunk walkin through police station. America
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize
