dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
