So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
