Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
