the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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