Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
