This is not my ceiling
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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