you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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