I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
