Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
