just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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