She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I could fuck to npr.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
