on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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