I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
