someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
