Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
